Aftermath

07/18/26 22:39

How lucky am I, tonight I GOT to say goodnight to my mom. Tonight a mom will be told her one year old died. She will replay a wreck over and over in her head, critiquing herself on what went wrong, asking herself why she didn’t swerve out of the way, why didn’t she take another way home, what could she have done differently, and the last question, why her? Why did God choose her child a pure, innocent kid who had not even said their first word to be brought back to the kingdom of heaven. I think of this line of work and how on the responder side of things, this can be a life altering event. Fire and ems seeing the worst scenario imaginable. I don’t even feel like I can speak on the topic. I wasn’t even there. I was out on my pond with family living a blissfully ignorant life, sometimes I envy the old me who thought ambulances were loud and fire trucks were going to save cats. I came in to clean up and saw a text, URGENT, need 4 FF’s report to HQ. Instantly I rushed to grab my gear and head downtown. My adrenaline was full speed ahead. Then I got to the station and tried to act non chalant because now I am a ff  and a probie at that. I need to prove that this job won’t affect me, I am solid as a rock. I went in said hi and put my gear down, as I go to change I realize I have two different shoes on. As chill as I think I look on the outside. Internally I am a spastic mess. I know everyone is out on a wreck, cool I think. Even envious, I have worked on full shift as a FF and not a single fire call, I am itching for a job. Then the medic truck pulls in, I see a friend crying in the drivers seat. I see my medic whom I worked with for months and months on the busiest truck in the passenger seat, a dead stare. We go, we comfort not knowing the full story but sharing the feeling of we signed up for this job and sometimes it sucks. My Lt. and I open the doors to the back. It looks like a supply room exploded, I am getting in really more excited and amped inside from the thrill of the job. Then he points out, the smallest size intubation blade, lying there. Used. This wasn’t a hard call of some bad wreck. This was a family being ripped apart, a mother losing her child, an unthinkable situation happening in real time. The air is thick. Everyone is talking trying to comfort and not state the obvious. He says man this job sucks this time, small jokes are made about the summer heat. Yet everyone knows this will stick with them forever. We all know that many peoples lives have been forever altered. I carry on, I feel awkward I don’t know what to say. I wasn’t there and yet somehow, sitting here tonight I am so grateful and thankful that I am alive. With each call I have taken or heard about death, my perspective shifts, just a little, but call by call it is changing. Every time I hear someone complain, or find myself complaining about anything I remind myself of how lucky I am to be alive. This job is a double edged sword, I also think of the frequent flyer patients, or ALL of the freaking bs calls for things that don’t matter. It makes me want to scream in their faces a mother just lost her one year old. Everyone on this dept is hanging on by a thread and you are freaking calling about back pain. Do you have no grasp on life, are you so desperate for attention you have to call 911!! There are real emergencies happening. I feel like the kid should be living over that person, it those dark, twisted thoughts that you can say out loud that feel so good to express, that’s why I write. I am thinking of this one extremely overweight frequent flyer we have. I think of how she gets to live yet a child has to die. Then I am again grateful because who am I to be chosen by God to be living right now, I need to do better, be kinder, bolder, exercise more, live life to the fullest. It is nights like these I am grateful for all I have. I have been comparing about my shift and people and finding so much to stress and talk about. How about I just shut up and realize I have a living family, a good job that I love, friends, a house to stress about. That’s all I have to write, again this is just write when the emotions are pent up. I am on shift tomorrow and I was dreading it but now I have a changed perspective, so here is living it up tomorrow!

 Ps people suck, they have no grasp on life, everyone is dumb and talks about and focuses on stuff that seriously DOES NOT MATTER